Disappointment

At one point or another, we all wonder if we are good enough. Good enough for the ones we love, the jobs we have, the families that so carelessly take care of us. Constantly we try to make sure that everything is perfect, that we are doing exactly what is expected of us the right way, the first time. We fear failure. Loathe the thought of it, even let it consume us in some aspects of our lives. Most aspects for some of us. 

Every day is a dance for me. A routine that I’ve maticulously plotted out and have tried to perfect. The same thing almost every day. Nothing changes. Unless I trip or stumble. Forget something from the night before that I should have remembered. Mess up the entire routine. That’s when the disappointment shows. Harsh words are spoken and pointy feelings. It’s almost as if I’m expected to fail . 

That’s a stretch. Making people proud isn’t a hard thing as long as you are trying and making progress.  As long as you put one foot in front of the other with effort. At least that’s how my family is.

But they’re not the ones I disappoint on a daily basis. They don’t know the things that go on behind closed doors. The words that are said and my self esteem that’s been tossed to the ground and stomped on repeatedly. I don’t know that the words are on purpose. In fact most of them are playful or said out of anger. Spite. They aren’t meant. But that doesn’t mean they don’t sting none the less. 

I used to be so reserved. I was scared and embarrassed to let someone see my body. See me in such an intimate way. Now. Shit. I’m a regular little slut. I’ve got pictures upon pictures of myself naked on my phone. Videos of me being fucked, fucking myself, being spanked, and among other things. I’ve wondered around social media sites that have been meant for hook ups and flings and if someone goes about saying hello the right way? Shit let them see my tits. 

I’m going through withdrawals it feels like. The sex I had with the other man. Kyle. It’s like I’ve gone a week without flirting or teasing anyone and I want that delicious sin again. To feel wanted and hot and sexy. To feel like I’m the best damn part of the entire day. Sensual long touches. Knowing that they’re enjoying the teasing and the build up. It’s hot. So I made a tinder. And I’m talking. Avoiding sexual content, but the thought is still there in the back of my head and I want to flirt. Flirt until I’ve gotten it all out of my system. But then, maybe it won’t get out of my system? Maybe not with him at least. I don’t feel this is going a good way and I feel it’s going to end soon. Maybe not in a good way.

Lust and Taboo

I’m a self proclaimed size queen. Not one of those girls that you have to be 10 inches or more to please, but bigger has always definitely been better in my book. It gives the ability to hit ALL the right places at once and I loved it when it was deep inside me. Smaller men, while they do tend to put in my effort, just never seemed to be able to hit the right spots. It was always boring and unsatisfying because they weren’t able to do the right thing. Or hit the right spots. 

The nice thing about my boyfriend is that he is very well endowed. And he knew what to do with it. The sex was always hot and he always hit the right places. Always. 

I’m not a hard woman to please. As long as I’m satisfying my partner and I know they like what I’m doing, they’re more than happy with the outcome of the sex, I’ve done my job and I’m going to be more than satisfied even if I didn’t manage to get off myself. I’m a giver. I love receiving but I love making the other person feel good even more. 

The turn off to my current relationship? He doesn’t want me most of the 5inem he wants someone else. A woman or a man. He’s bored of me and my body and he makes the painfully obvious. It’s to the point that I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting a mental block from it. On a regular basis I tend to have a hard time getting wet and staying wet, even if I really really want it. Sloppy drunk and Randy as fuck, I’m dry as a whistle. With him anyway. But not with Kyle. 

With Kyle I’m wet the second he walks in the door and kisses me. Soaking even. My legs are almost like a literal waterfall and I have to change my panties if  something isn’t done about it. I can’t contain myself when I’m talking to him and I find myself touching my pussy on a regular basis trying to satiate the urges I’m getting. But he’s smaller; almost under average size even. And yet his cick fills me with more urges than my boyfriend’s ever has ever since that first time we fucked. The sex with him has been out of this world even. The spots he pinpoints and hits are perfect, and I’ve noticed now that the sex with my boyfriend that I have just honestly doesn’t feel that great… at all. The last 2 times ibe put on a show for him, but I was really just ready for him to be done. With kyle… I can’t seem to get enough.

Maybe it’s  the allure that what I’m doing with him is taboo. The fact that there is every chance I’ll get caught in the act with how risky I’m being. It’s so hot thinking that we are getting away with it. I sit right behind my boyfriend as he’s playing his video games on his computer and sext Kyle. Send him make pictures of my body and even lingerie pictures that I took with him in mind. And all the while my boyfriend is none the wiser. 

This last Wednesday was a marathon. Non stop sex all day long. And I do mean all day. Except for maybe a brief pause for food, something to drink, and catch your breath snuggles and music. It was hot and steamy and we even did some of the most taboo things.

He got a phone call while we were in our post sex stage. Teasing eachother. It was his mother. I got the evil idea of going down on him while they talked for a minute. He had the hardest time keeping the his time even and moan off his breath. It was so hot. And after it was made into a joke! Hed been conflicted the whole time my lips were wrapped around his cock, sucking and licking. On one hand, he had this hot girl devouring him and loving every second of it. On the other, his mom was on the line and that was not hot. We laughed so hard but only so long before I felt the ache to have him in my mouth again and to make him moan. He got his revenge ten fold though. Twice. 

My boyfriend is just about as clingy of a person as I am. When he’s at work and I’m at home he’s nearly constantly texting me, wanting my attention or calling me. I managed to get around the texts the entire time we were fucking. Coming up with some excuse or other as to why I wasn’t answering for some periods of time. But there were times, like when he called in the middle of us doing things that I couldn’t ignore him. He’d get suspicious. The first time, we had just started again.. It had to have been out 4th time already. He called and I had to stop Kyle so I could flip over on my stomach and grab my phone off the side of the bed to answer him. Kyle thought it’d be funny to see how I’d react if he just slipped him cock inside my pussy while I was talking to him for a second. I think he’d half expected me to smack him or push him away. He started out slow and probing. Almost ad if he was testing the waters or teasing me. I didn’t do abything to stop him tho. I strained to keep my voice even and to get my boyfriend off the phone as quickly as humanly possible. The longer I was on the phone the deeper Kyle plunged his dick into me and the faster he moved making it harder and harder to keep moans from my voice the longer that time passed. He even leaned into my free ear and moaned softly, nibbling just the tiniest bit. I felt like I was going to explode and that id give myself away for sure. But I managed to get that man off the phone and returned to my previous task of pleasure. We both came, and hard. 

The whole day was nothing but a blur of sex and lust. He had the mouth of a god and enchanted fingers. The last time we were fucking before he went to leave my boyfriend called yet again. But this time he was determined to not get off the phone with me. Kyle fucked me the entire time I was trying to coax him off the phone, and, eventually, we both came while I remained stuck with this clingy man who was suppose to be working on the phone. It was hot, knowing that kyle had filled my pussy to the brim with his cum with my boyfriend right there. The taboo and thrill of having gotten away with it was unbearable but the annoyance that he wouldn’t leave me alone so that I had the chance to kiss him and tell him in the lustiest way i could was just as overwhelming. 

Instead I pecked Kyle on the lips, watched him get dressed and allowed him to tease me more, causing my lust to flare up once more. I watched as he walked out the door and got in his truck. All the while humoring my chatty boyfriend. He didn’t even seem to notice a damn thing, and contently settled for talking at me as he always did. 

That night my boyfriend came home, had an expensive dinner with me and then fucked my brains out. Or attempted to anyway. He didn’t last long, and the effort he put in was very little. Still, I put on a show and stroked his ego. Acted as if his cock was the most amazing thing and that I couldn’t get enough of it. I feel bad admiring this, but the entire time I was just wishing it was Kyle. The sensations of pleasure were so much more when it was him and I was noticing more and more how little I actually got out of what we have actually been doing for the lastvteo years. The only time he really put effort in was when someone else was involved. The rest of the time I was stuck with quickies and what I assumed half the time was him hate fucking me recently because he was almost as sexually frustrated as I was from wanting someone else. He always wanted someone else. Even when all I wanted was him. All I ever wanted was him. Until now that is. 

The first time

The kiss is always what does it for me. You know when you kiss someone for the first time right away if you’re going to connect or end up wanting to move forward with whatever it is you are doing with the other person. It’s a sort of connection of the souls. If I like the way they kiss, I’m in trouble. And oh boy did I like the way this man kissed. A lot too much. It was heated and intimate. There was so much passionate in it that it threw me for a loop every time our lips met. His hands knew just where to go; How to caress. I couldnt help but melt and be putty in his hands and want more. 

The day after he saw me at work it was arranged that we were going to meet up. Or rather me come over to his house under the guise that I was meeting up with my sister in law to see her and the kids for the day, so I’d be busy and very unlikely to answer my phone quickly. It was the perfect cover. I felt bad that I used that, but I wanted this and him. I needed him. My lust at this point after the previous day knew no bounds. 

I arrived at his house and he met me outside and brought me in. The second his door closed behind us and I set my phone and wallet down, those delicious lips were on mine again and those hands in all the right places pulling me closer. I could feel my pulse racing already and I couldn’t help but moan quietly. I could hardly keep myself from ripping his clothes off already. But I wanted this to be slower. More sensual. Not just a quick fuck like I got at home. Little to No foreplay or intimacy.. this is what I wanted. The kissing and touching and lip biting. 

If worn my cutest bra and panties and as he worked my shirt and shorts off, he even stopped to admire then and kiss down my stomach, teasing me and commenting on how cute they were. He made me turn around for a brief moment and made not of how they made my ass look. The amount he was feeding into my ego was ridiculous. I felt like a new woman. Sexy. Hot. Desirable. I hadn’t felt like that, like REALLY felt like that in a long while. I think that’s why I liked it so much and I wanted more. 

Kyle stripped me bare and threw me on the bed aggressively. My breathing as fast already and I was soaking wet. His fingers had already been exploring my body as hed kissed me. I didnt know what ti expect next. Was he going to take me already? Did he intend to take me right then and there? Or would he take it slower like he had been already? Either way, I was excited and ready for more. 

We went slow, and had sex for hours. He came about 3 different times. Me? I had to have gotten off aboit 5 different times. Which for me is like.. unheard of. Men can’t do that with me. They’re lazy most of the time or don’t quite know what they’re doing. Woman too to be honest. I haven’t found anyone yet who’s had such an easy time. But this man. A god with his hands, that’s what this man was. He gave me no time to recover and once he was done doing one thing to me it was straight onto the next. 

He was rough and yet tender at the same time and he made it hard to not go back for more each time. We only paused once here and there for a little bit. Watching YouTube videos while he recovered. But just as I thougght he couldn’t her more intriguing he did. I’d noticed a guitar sitting in the corner of his room when we first came in but it didn’t occur to me that he really knew how to play it, and well. 

Kyle sat back down on the bed next to me and began strumming along to familiar tunes that I’d heard from the radio so many times before. He bobbed his head to the beat and began humming along. I couldn’t tell you now which song it was because there were many to follow, but it was joyous just the same. He began singing soon after starting to strum. Let me tell you, this voice? So gorgeous and… raspy? No raspy isn’t the right way to describe it. It was warm and inviting. Every note was perfect. High and low. I couldn’t help but sit there and watch him. He was so into it and his passion was undeniable. 

I feel that with this guy I may be in trouble. I get attached easily, and the more attached I get the more I want. And dear god do I want more. Not even just the sex. He’s weird and funny and he’s got one hell of an imagination and mind. A teacher for troubled youth no less. I swore I wouldn’t get too into him, only sex and a good friend. He swore he wouldn’t ghost on me either after any of this. And so far? He’s made good on that. It’s been almost 2 weeks now… And god the sex.. 

This is where it begins

Hi there. I see you’ve found my blog. By accident I’m sure. Probably browsing around looking for something interesting or juicy to read no doubt. Well, I’m sure you’ll find that here.

This blog isn’t just any old blog of someone babbling off random bull shit for your pleasure. No instead this is a peak inside my secret life and my head. Yes. I said secret life. It’s still only just budding and I’m not sure how about it just yet, but I do know I don’t want to stop.

You see, I’m what’s known as a good girl. A sex freak at home behind closed doors, but I’m still a good girl. I work my long hours every week (all 60 of them) and I come home to who should soon be my husband and my son. We live in a nice three bedroom house, and while it’s not the best house it’s still home. And I love my fiance and his son. We advrnture around in the bedroom quite a bit but ive always been very dedicated and adamant about my ideals of our relationship. We can add people to the bedroom from time to time (which believe me, we most certainty do) but in the end it’s just the two of us. We don’t go out without permission from the other and fuck around. We don’t fuck around without the other unless it’s some kink the other has.. more often than not it’s his. Actually it’s always his kink. 

That all being said… this blog is mainly about me putting all my ideals and values aside and doing something I never thought I’d be able to do. Cheat.

You see, I’ve had someone cheat on me before. Repeatedly. And I’ve forgiven. I knew how it felt to find out and the heart break it caused. I thought it was something that was well beyond me. I’m one of those woman who would and does do anything and everything for their significant other. I’ll put myself through emotional torture before I let my person go through anything unwanted. That’s just how I am. Him or them before myself. Always. But now I’ve fallen into that hole and while I feel terrible for doing it, its actually really hot and I’m getting the sex I’ve been craving but have been going without for a long while now.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “what, you guys don’t have sex? You were just talking about how you add people in all the time!?” Oh no my friend. It’s not that we don’t have sex. On the contrary. We have sex all the time. On a regular basis. The longest we go without is a week and that’s just because I’m on my period and I hate period sex. 

The lack of sex I’m talking about is the tender kind. The one where there’s a connection made and you’re not just fucking. When you look each other in the eye and there’s that lust. That I want your body to be mine sensation. You want all of them so bad you wish the sensations of what you’re doing wouldn’t stop. The sensation of hands and lips on skin and teeth nipping. Intimacy. Not just fucking to get off because you’re horny. Not just rough because you’ve had a shitty day or week and you need something or someone to take that frustration out on. And you see, that’s all I’ve been getting. Fucking. Not intimacy. 

I didn’t start this whole thing out with the intention of cheating. Quite the opposite actually. I’d opened a plenty of fish (pof) account along with a meetme for the express purpose of finding another woman to join us in the bedroom. Usually he handled this kind of thing because, well, to put it nicely I’m crap at picking up on woman. I can flirt all day with a guy. But when it comes to a girl I’m just at a loss. But this time I wanted to try my hand at it. I wanted to surprise him with what he wanted to possibly alleviate the stress we’ve been under for months now. He wanted another woman and I wanted to give that to him. So I made the profiles. Stated clearly that we weren’t looking for men, and that we wanted a girl to have a little bit of fun with. I posted a few discreet pictures, used a fake name, and proceeded from there.

Despite my attempts to thwart men away from the profiles, but for my surprise(not) you still get resilient men who message insisting on some kindbif arrangement they could off if they were allowed to join or have me alone. Turn down after turn down. Message after message ignored. I admit I browsed men a little here and there just out of idle curiosity about who was around. If I knew anyone personally.. and let’s be honest ideas getting some eye candy too. But maybe that’s where I made my mistake. Or was it not a mistake and just a blessing in disguise coming to show me really what was going on in my life.. But that’s neither here nor there. I still haven’t decided what this is yet.

So I browsed. More so when I was pissed off and upset to get my mind off of what was going on around me. I only clicked a few profiles. One or two that I found their pictures to be very attractive. And if you’re familiar with the sites, people get notified that you’ve viewed them. I didn’t care.

But then one day I got a message from a guy. One that id viewed briefly the previous day. Not one looking to hook up. Just a simple thing asking me how my day was going.  It was another shit day and I relished the chance to talk to someone who didn’t just want to fuck or yell at me for some stupid reason or another. I was tired of what had slowly become a daily routine for me. And he was offering me that chance just by sending me one simple Message. 

So I went with it. I messaged him back and startted talking. He was hot anyway. Shit I wasn’t fucking around. What did it matter if I was idly chattering with an attractive guy, whom I found very quickly had an awesome personality. I was laughing and smiling as we messaged back and forth for hours while I was at work. And then honesty became a factor. Compliments jumped in. We exchanged goofy pictures so we got a better idea of the others personality and looks. Personality os everything to me. And then we started flirting.. And he viewed my profile. He seemed to back off a little bit after that and brought it up to me that he noticed I was only looking for woman. 

I couldn’t help but curse. Shit. I was getting too into this. I didn’t want to stop flirting and laughing and enjoying myself. So I was going to be selfish and ignored that naggiung voice in the back of my head that I normally heeded. I told him the one thing i never told anyone. That I had a boyfriend, but I basically had free reign. I got to do basically what I wanted when I wanted, and that included going out to “play”. 

It wasn’t a lie. I do have free reign as long as I told him first and made sure to pass everything by him. When who where etc. Hed demanded multiple times that I go out and get fucked because he wasn’t in the mood or he didn’t want ME. Insisted that I’d like it and that it was hot. But the 2 times I did because he wanted me to in the past I hated it. It was uncomfortable and it felt wrong. I wanted him. Not just some random hook up. If I just wanted to get off i could masturbate. It would be a lot easier and take up a lot less time and, if you count the gas spent, money.

Now let me explain something here. I love sex. If I had my way I’d have sex like 3 times at least a day. Well, until things calm down with whoever I’m with anyway. But even then I want it frequently. I’m a touchy person. I love the sensations.  But the issue with that is that I’m also demisexual. Don’t know what that is? Well allow me to explain: 

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity. 


Basically, if I can’t sit here and talk to you for hours on end about anything and everything or just be comfortable with who you are and your personality, I REALLY  could care less about sex when it comes to you. Makes it really hard to be a proper swinger when the only person included in the situation you are currently immersed in that you’re attracted to and want to touch and have touch you is the person you’re there with. We didn’t bother learning much about these people before getting down to business. While sexually it made things worse, emotionally I think I prefer it that way.

So the guy, let’s call him Kyle, took me at my word and was relieved to hear that I was being honest with him. Continued to be sweet and we talked the remainder of the day, back and forth. Flirting. Complimenting. Pictures.

Oh god the pictures. They escalated. He offered to show me his favorite picture of himself that hed ever taken, but warned that it was nsfw. I should have stopped him there. Told him no, that id be fine doing without. But instead I blushed and said if be interested in seeing and that I had a few like that myself. This all continued and somehow I managed to do it all under the radar of my clingy boyfriend. My fiance. The one who blows my phone up if I didn’t answer quickly enough while I was away from him. 

And then we set up a meeting. Where I’d come see him for a few hours. We’d fuck and snuggle and play video games. And god was I excited for it. But my nerves were killer. They threatened to consume me and the voice in my head screamed at me, asking me what the hell I was doing. I hushed it. Justified that I was in the right for doing it. He’d cheated on me multiple times before. He hasn’t wanted me for a long while now either. Why shouldn’t I get to have a little fun and enjoy my day off while he was working. 

The day before we were suppose to meet up, we’d been talking all day while he worked and we eventually decided that kyle would come and see me while I worked. Just for a little bit. Keep me company while I worked out where I was. when he arrived, the first thing this man did was walk up and kiss me. And I’m not saying one of these little peck on the lips kisses. I’m talking full blown grab my waist and pull me close, hand where my ear and neck meet passionate kiss. Fireworks. Sparks went off behind my eyes. I was speechless for a minute and he just laughed at me. What a hello. What a first real meeting. But we didn’t stop there. 

You see, I know I failed to mention this before, but I’m security guard. And the current site I’m posted at is outside and a high security area. There’s people coming and going all the time. So there is no real way of doing anything out here… even though I really really wanted to… And on top of it I work with my boyfriend. And on certain days, like this one, he is my supervisor and is driving around checking on everyone through out the day. 

While at first I had no intention of the two meeting… ever. Kyle had no intention of leaving so soon. And he was frisky. We made out between vehicles and played it off like we weren’t doing anything when we heard one coming, and as one got out of sight we went right back to doing what we were doing. Being handsy. He was boarder line fingering me through my uniform pants, and Jesus h Christ did I want him to. Shit, I’d been gloating to him about my skills with my tongue for days. So I actually got ballsy and pushed him into the driver seat of his truck and undid his pants. His dick was so hard I could cut diamonds with it. I didn’t care that we were at my work. It was hot thinking that someone might catch us. That my boyfriend might. That what we were doing was taboo and wrong. It made me want it even more. 

So right there. I sucked his cock until he almost came in my mouth. God just thinking about it is making me horny again and wanting more. The only thing that stopped me was a vehicle heading towards the exit of my area. It was my boyfriend making his rounds. Quickly he zipped himself back up and righted himself on his truck seat like he’d just been sitting there in his truck talking to me. It was a bit awkward explaining who he was and how I knew him. Why he was there. I didn’t entirely lie to my boyfriend about Kyle. It turned out we knew each other in high school. Well, knew of each other. So I said he was an old friend from high school who was being a lookey loo and just so happened to stumble on me and wanted to sit and talk for a bit. 

I know this all makes me sound like a terrible person. Like I said, I do feel terrible for it. But it just all feels so good and right that I don’t want to stop. I want more. I’m like an addict and this is my drug just after one taste. So I’m a Sinful woman who just can’t get enough of that delicious sin…